Ashleye's Story - Sweet Pea

Thank you to Ashleye, for allowing me to included a link to her blog here on mine.  Sharing doesn't make the pain go away, but your story may reach others and help them feel less alone.  Thank you so much!

http://lifeofawelderswife.blogspot.com/2014/04/god-bless-my-sweet-pea.html





Tonight, I also want to send thoughts up Heaven's way to my "R", who was scheduled to arrive tomorrow.  Take care of your sister "CM Baby."  We love you both. 

L.C.'s Story - God is Good!

Thank you to L.C. for sharing her story on her journey with us.  Stories of edometriosis and infertility tend to go hand-in-hand, but is (again!) something we don't talk about openly.  Also, something we have not touched on yet in this blog is the power of God in these situations.  L.C.’s story truly shows the power He has. 

For as long as I can remember I’ve suffered with painful menstrual cycles, so painful I missed school and work. My doctor tried several different birth controls over the years, but nothing seemed to help with the pain. He was 90% sure I had endometriosis, but wouldn’t know for sure unless we did surgery. I had laparoscopic surgery and found out I did have endometriosis. My doctor told my husband and I we weren’t going to worry about infertility unless we reached that point. I was still in pain after the surgery so I was given a Lupron shot for six months, this still didn’t help. He finally decided to put me on two different forms of birth control and I would take them continuously throughout the month, meaning I wouldn’t have a cycle. I was finally getting some relief from the pain and this worked out great up until my husband and I decided we wanted to have children. I stopped taking the birth control and was told we would have to manage the pain, unfortunately for me that meant pain medication. We tried for several months and nothing was happening, I was in so much pain and it only seemed to get worse each month.

 My doctor decided because I was in so much pain and had endometriosis that we needed to get me pregnant as soon as possible so he referred me to a fertility specialist. We made an appointment and went in for a days’ worth of testing; we answered questions no one ever wants to answer; it was horrible. There were some things that my husband and I weren’t willing to try, we just felt like this was such a God thing. We tried several procedures, shots, etc.  It had come to the point where we had tried everything we were willing to and we just knew we were pregnant this month. I went in one Monday morning and had my blood drawn for a pregnancy test, the nurse said she would call me with the results. She didn’t call until 4:30 that afternoon; it was such a long day. I left work, met my husband and listened to the voice mail to find out that I was not pregnant. We were devastated and felt like we were at a dead end. I cried all night and neither one of us got any sleep. A day passed and I decided I was not going back to that doctor despite what several people thought; I needed a break. The doctor was telling us I had all of these problems and that my husband and I would not be able to do this on our own.

 I decided that day that I wasn’t going to get any more help or take any more medication. I thought God can do this; God can give us a child. I handed everything over to Him that day and told Him I knew He could do it. It was hard to let go and not get any help, but know this was The Lord because I couldn’t have done this on my own. I woke up the next day feeling like a new person and I knew this was his peace. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 A month passed and I was late, I took two pregnancy tests and they were both negative. I called my regular doctor, he said it was common to have an irregular cycle or to skip your cycle when you stop taking fertility drugs. This eased my mind, but I still thought you never know what God is up to. I decided not to take another test unless I had some symptoms. A few days passed and I started to feel a little strange, but wasn’t sure if it was all in my head. I told my husband how I was feeling, he laughed and said that’s nausea go take another test. I took one first thing the next morning and it was positive. I left the fertility doctor in February, handed everything over to The Lord and got pregnant in March. I’ve been to the doctor several times now and he says that everything is perfect and that we have a healthy baby. Praise The Lord! We are so thankful for what we’ve been through and the journey the Lord has us on, and we look forward to what’s to come.

What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

This post is actually more for the family and friends of those who are going through this.  Since we have started out blog we have been asked by a few people: “I know someone going through this.  What can I say to them?”  That is SUCH a great question.   One that there is no right answer to.  Every person and every situation is unique. The following are some opinions from me, coming from the ‘miscarriage’ point of view.  (If anyone has anything to add or another point of view, I would love to share that as well).

First thing to know is that, unfortunately, there is nothing you can say that will make them “feel better.”  They are in mourning and they need time to deal with that.  Just like when we lose anyone, there is a grieving process.  Words cannot halt this.  Some people do not realize that just because a child was never “born”, a life was born.  From the moment you start to plan for this life, it’s a life.  And its loss warrants mourning.  A good rule of thumb is not to say anything you wouldn’t say to someone who just lost a parent, grand-parent, spouse, friend, etc. 

So, what to say and what not to say:

Please do not say “You will get pregnant again.”  We know (or hope at least) that.  But we are not right now.  And that is what hurts.  Not the hope of what is to come, the loss of what is not right now. 

Unless you are going through exactly what we are, “I know how you feel,” is not going to help.  It is not the same as your grandmother dying or other non-fertility related issue.  You do not know how I feel if you have not felt it. And maybe you do know, but if I don’t know your story, then I assume you are only saying it to make me feel better.  If you have been through this, I still may feel your story is different.  It’s just such a personal thing.  A better thing to say is simply “You are not alone.” 

Probably the hardest thing for a friend/family member is being pregnant or a new parent and having a friend/family member going through this.  Remember that we ARE happy for you; don’t shut us out of your joy, but please, don’t complain about your swollen pregnancy ankles or your baby’s non-stop crying thinking we will feel better about not being in that position.  Trust me; we would trade with you in ½ a second.  Also, please be patient with us if we are not jumping to rub your tummy or hold your new infant.  It is painful, but we ARE happy for you.  And sometimes we might need our space, for a little while.  Right after my first MC, a friend that was 7 months pregnant came over. She told me she had been where I was before, that she loved me, and she would completely understand if I wanted to hate her for a while.  I didn’t, but the fact the she was understanding of what I might be feeling towards her was very comforting. 

Even though it is true and meant with all good intentions, “It will happen when the time is right,” or “God has a plan,” is not always the best thing to say.  It’s very true.  God does have a plan, but we know that.  We are mourning OUR plan.  His plan will trump ours 100% of the time, but we have to be allowed to be sad about the realization that our plan is not in the cards.  For me, I would always rather hear “I am praying for you (or ‘sending positive thoughts your way’ if you are not religious).”  This is more comforting.  It makes you feel supported.

The best things to say as far as I am concerned are “I am here for you,” and “I am sorry you are going through this.”  These comments always made me feel less alone and confirmed that I had a solid support group of friends and family. 

A great resource that I found was on www.pregnantchicken.com (which is an AWESOME blog if you are pregnant or a parent!!  Hilarious and fun!)  She posted this a while back and I found it to be so helpful (and even a little fun, given the topic…it made me smile when I really did not want to.)  http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2011/1/2/loss-and-miscarriage.html

I hope this was helpful for all you who were wondering on this topic.

Vizzini's Story - Male POV

A great perspective from the POV of a male going through issues of infertility, etc. 
Thank you, Vizzini. 

Since my wife was not pregnant after a year and half of not-preventing, I decided to get checked.  (It’s easiest to check the man first).  I went to the Presbyterian hospital where they put me in a room and asked me to ejaculate in a cup.  They had a porno playing of a huge ugly old black dude pounding a cute little young white girl.  That just didn't do it for me.  I was able to get one out anyway, but it was weak.  I wasn't surprised when the results came back showing a low sperm count. 

After a few weeks of wondering if I should try again without the Presbyterian porno, I setup an appointment with a urologist.  He pointed out a couple spots in my scrotum that my primary care physician said was “just fine” several years earlier.  He called it “varicocele”, otherwise known as varicose veins in my scrotum.  From what I understand, the veins just above my pubic area don’t have adequate valves to prevent a back-flow of blood.  It drains down into my testicles, and overheats my sperm.  My blood kills my sperm.  He asked for a second semen sample.  I worked it out at home without the Presbyterian porno and delivered way above normal volume, I’m proud to say.  However, the sperm count was still just as low.

I’m scheduled for surgery in a few weeks.  The doc will simply crimp and cut the veins causing the problem.  My odds of impregnating my wife are expected to go up from less than 5% to about 70%.  Plans and progress are encouraging.  I wish I had gotten checked a lot earlier. 

My wife went ahead and got checked too.  She recently started bleeding all the time whether or not she was on her period.  I had a hard time convincing her that I was not grossed out by the blood.  Really, I’m not. My wife is super sexy even if she doesn't feel like it.  She started crying one day and said between sobs, “what’s wrong with me”?  It turns out that she has a blocked fallopian tube and a bunch of polyps in her uterus which often causes infertility.  She too is scheduled for surgery in a few weeks whereby her polyps will be removed and biopsied.   There is a good chance that the surgery will clear up the other fallopian tube, but having just one tube is enough either way.  Her doc said it is a “perfect” fallopian tube. 

The combination of her polyps and my varicocele has inspired us to consider jumping straight to in-vitro after her surgery.  For the time being, we decided that we will both get surgery and decide whether or not to do in-vitro sometime after the surgeries.  (By the way, in-vitro costs $13k per try with no guarantees).

So, here we are.  I’ve wanted to have a large family since I was 20 and find myself approaching my mid-thirties with more ambiguity than certainty.  I wouldn't quite say I’m devastated by all this, but I am getting a bit anxious.  My primary fantasy through most of my life is to have a family.  I find a great deal of comfort in the steps we are taking.  Getting pregnant is supposed to be so easy that we must proactively prevent it until it’s time to stop preventing.  Well, it’s not easy for my wife and me.  It’s not impossible either. 

In the mean-time I’m addressing my varicocele-induced low testosterone with Tamoxifen, a breast cancer medication that gives me night sweats.  Who would have thought I’d end up taking boob medicine for low testosterone and suffering menopause symptoms?  The pink website of Susan G Komen has been helpful for me to understand the side effects. 

I think this an important blog since miscarriages and infertility often come along with existential feelings of “what’s wrong with me”? My wife asked that specific question in tears and I feel the need to let perfect strangers know I’m good in the size and performance department.  Reproducing is one of the biggest biological goals of life.  It’s only natural that it’s an important subject to discuss, and it’s only natural that it inspires some of the strongest feelings possible. 

TWSTBE Founder Husband Part 2

My wonderful husband gives the second part to his story.

My Love,  Thank you for being my rock and for being beside me through all of this.  

TWSTBE Founder's  Husband Story Part II

A few months pass after our miscarriage and we get back to trying again. By the way, I have done a few challenging things in my life which test your mental and physical capabilities, but conceiving a child is definitely near the top of the list. We have this 72 hour window which is ‘prime time’ and everything else must come to a stop in order for this to happen. You have to forget about the big meeting at work, the bills that keep coming in the mail, the headache she has, the stomach ache you have from a big lunch, the argument you just had about what our plans are for the next holiday. It must all be put on hold to make this child and it can be difficult.

The good news for us was we were pregnant again! We have friends and family that warned us that conceiving could take a while… even a few years. We felt extremely lucky/blessed/grateful that we had conceived both times within four months of really trying.

Our next doctor visit was the first visit times 100. We were optimistic but very cautious as we had been here before. At the time of the sonogram, I heard the most beautiful sound in the world: it was the heartbeat of my child. Nothing could describe the relief that once again we felt. It looked like the Starship Enterprise with this huge, strong heartbeat and we started to get the parenting feeling again. We of course, asked our doctor some questions (for those who know my wife, she has her legendary lists and it had about 30ish questions listed).The question that stuck out at the appointment was this: What are the chances/percentages of miscarrying again? 5%, once we hear a heartbeat at 12 weeks, it’s 100% good to go. Our optimism at that time blossomed and we started to decide how we were to tell our parents, friends, and other family. With our news being so close to Christmas, we decided to tell everyone in person. It hit right at about 10-11 weeks and with it so close to 12, we couldn’t contain our excitement anymore! By our annual New Year’s party, most of our family and friends were told  our news and everyone felt happy for us. It was a great way to start 2014 and we thought this was going to be a great year for us.

However, once again, we received a swift kick to the head. On the Saturday following New Year’s, my wife started to bleed more than what is normal. Spotting is quite normal, but this was different. We decided to go to an Elite Care (ER clinic) nearby. They started to run the usual tests to begin and we were told we would have a sonogram. During the sonogram, the doctor informed us that she couldn’t find a heartbeat and the baby looked like it was only 8 weeks along. This was quite a shock to us as we were a few days from 12 weeks and we should have been good to go. The doctor there informed us that we would have a miscarriage again and to speak with wife’s OB/GYN to speak about options on Monday. Would it be natural? Would we have to do a D&C? On Sunday evening, a day before talking to the doctor, my wife really started to feel pain. She was bleeding even worse than the previous day and her abdomen pain was excruciating. This was unlike anything she had experienced and unlike anything I had seen before as well. Her body would have these sudden pains and then it would go away. At 1:30 AM, we went to the ER again. Our OB/GYN office suggested we go after we discussed what was occurring. They ran the same tests as Saturday and we got to the sonogram portion of the visit. During the sonogram, we saw nothing. We then realized that what happened at home was the natural passing of our child. We were devastated and started the grieving process again. The craziest part of this was in a span of 36 hours, we went from future parents to what felt like nothing. This was the hardest part for both of us. I went from a dad who was ready to start transforming his house and lifestyle to bring a child into the world to just another guy who dreams of fatherhood. I had moments of rage where I wanted to punch out walls or drink until I had passed out. I had depths of sadness that I never experienced. I had moments of crazy where I thought the movie ‘Raising Arizona’ was an actual contingency plan for having a baby.

Through all that we went through, we came out so much stronger on the other side. We got her back to health, we have plans for fixing the house, and we have paid off debt to prepare for our future family. The best part of all of this is that the miscarriages are a part of us, but they do not define us as a couple.

We hope that in sharing our story we allow others to see that they are not alone. Miscarriages and infertility are both a weird badge of honor. When you meet others who have shared that situation, you know the pain and suffering that has occurred. We hope that those who read or share can find the comfort and peace that we have achieved.