This post is actually more for the family and friends of
those who are going through this. Since
we have started out blog we have been asked by a few people: “I know someone
going through this. What can I say to
them?” That is SUCH a great
question. One that there is no right
answer to. Every person and every
situation is unique. The following are some opinions from me, coming from the
‘miscarriage’ point of view. (If anyone
has anything to add or another point of view, I would love to share that as
well).
First thing to know is that, unfortunately, there is nothing
you can say that will make them “feel better.”
They are in mourning and they need time to deal with that. Just like when we lose anyone, there is a
grieving process. Words cannot halt
this. Some people do not realize that
just because a child was never “born”, a life was born. From the moment you start to plan for this
life, it’s a life. And its loss warrants
mourning. A good rule of thumb is not to
say anything you wouldn’t say to someone who just lost a parent, grand-parent,
spouse, friend, etc.
So, what to say and what not to say:
Please do not say “You will get pregnant again.” We know (or hope at least) that. But we are not right now. And that is what hurts. Not the hope of what is to come, the loss of
what is not right now.
Unless you are going through exactly what we are, “I know
how you feel,” is not going to help. It
is not the same as your grandmother dying or other non-fertility related
issue. You do not know how I feel if you
have not felt it. And maybe you do know, but if I don’t know your story, then I
assume you are only saying it to make me feel better. If you have been through this, I still
may feel your story is different. It’s
just such a personal thing. A better thing
to say is simply “You are not alone.”
Probably the hardest thing for a friend/family member is
being pregnant or a new parent and having a friend/family member going through
this. Remember that we ARE happy for you;
don’t shut us out of your joy, but please, don’t complain about your swollen
pregnancy ankles or your baby’s non-stop crying thinking we will feel better
about not being in that position. Trust
me; we would trade with you in ½ a second.
Also, please be patient with us if we are not jumping to rub your tummy
or hold your new infant. It is painful,
but we ARE happy for you. And sometimes
we might need our space, for a little while.
Right after my first MC, a friend that was 7 months pregnant came over.
She told me she had been where I was before, that she loved me, and she would
completely understand if I wanted to hate her for a while. I didn’t, but the fact the she was
understanding of what I might be feeling towards her was very comforting.
Even though it is true and meant with all good intentions,
“It will happen when the time is right,” or “God has a plan,” is not always the
best thing to say. It’s very true. God does have a plan, but we know that. We are mourning OUR plan. His plan will trump ours 100% of the time,
but we have to be allowed to be sad about the realization that our plan is not
in the cards. For me, I would always
rather hear “I am praying for you (or ‘sending positive thoughts your way’ if
you are not religious).” This is more
comforting. It makes you feel supported.
The best things to say as far as I am concerned are “I am
here for you,” and “I am sorry you are going through this.” These comments always made me feel less alone
and confirmed that I had a solid support group of friends and family.
A great resource that I found was on www.pregnantchicken.com (which is an
AWESOME blog if you are pregnant or a parent!!
Hilarious and fun!) She posted
this a while back and I found it to be so helpful (and even a little fun, given
the topic…it made me smile when I really did not want to.) http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2011/1/2/loss-and-miscarriage.html
I hope this was helpful for all you who were wondering on
this topic.
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